The Most Significant Person In My Life

 

 The pain of loss…   

Now I can say with certainty that I had never understood others suffering from unbearable loss of a dear person.  For my part it used to be pity, compassion. When this happened to me, when my dear mother died, I started to understand all those people who lost someone they loved. There are perhaps no proper words to describe this pain, at least none used on this planet. This intolerable pain which tears you apart, which is like a stone on your heart, and which make tears run down your face with each recollection of the dear person who passed away. Time is unlikely to alleviate this hurt, no matter what others claim.

Every morning I still wake up thinking that she is there drinking her tea in the room, watching her favourite programs. Then suddenly the truth comes rushing up to me and I realize that it is just a dream hanging around me still, and a cold despair fall upon me. Despite my apparent tranquillity and surface brightness, I feel empty inside. My mother’s death was a really sobering experience I’ve passed through. It was the most devastating loss in my life.

The memory of my mother will follow me wherever I go, and however far tinting my dreams with a gentle scent of rosemary and the shimmering silver of her laugh. My mother had a serene charisma and a soothing aura around her. She was there to show me my first butterfly and my first rain. She was there when I made my first steps. She taught me to smile and laugh.

Moreover, my mother listened to all my fears and apprehensions with a gentle patience which can only be admired. She covered my winters of self-doubt and self-hate with such warm and tender blankets of caring love.  Her eyes were so soft, wandering, and full of comprehension when they focused on other people. My mother’s greatest desire was only to cherish, protect, and lavish affection and care to her family. When I had really bad times, she washed me with her healing sympathy and distracted me with her brilliant humor. My mother was the only person I could really rely on.

Every time I heard about my friends’ conflicts or quarrels with their mothers, I was immensely surprised because I have never had conflicts or quarrels with my mother. I have always had feelings of love, tenderness, kindness toward her. In childhood I wanted to become as strong, calm and wise as my mom was. I couldn’t figure out how she tolerated patiently my endless “why's” and “how's”. She always had ready answers for all my questions. Now, after eighteen years of life experience I can also answer many questions, but I still can’t put my thoughts into words so clearly. 

In all my actions I was free to make my own decisions. My mother almost never forbid me anything. Now I understand that it was my mother who taught me how to distinguish right from wrong, and she did it unobtrusively and without reprimanding.

No one has ever loved me the way she did. My mother was my sole support system, whenever something exciting happened or there was a crisis in my life, she was the first person I turned to. She understood me better than anyone else I knew. I miss our talks, her support, advices, care.

When my family and I found out she had cancer, I was really distraught. It was a life changing moment. I tried to do my best to support my mother as soon as I got to know that she was incurably ill.  I started doing more around the house ( washing dishes, cooking for my mom etc., so that she could rest). Apart form that, I tried to find out as much as possible about breast cancer, still hoping that something could be done to make her healthy again. Till the day she finally passed away I had a hope that everything would turn out to be fine.

This feeling of emptiness and helplessness without the closest person never leaves you. Mother cannot be substituted by anyone, probably like deceased children cannot be substituted by anyone for their parents.

I regard myself a lucky person that I had a chance to tell my mother everything that was on my heart, to tell her how much I loved her. I can only imagine the unbearable pain of people who lose someone dear to them all of a sudden and feel that there are so many things they never said to them…

Luckily, I had some time to thank my mother for sharing with me qualities that made her so special for others – the ability to forgive, honesty, devotion, kindness, generosity, cheerfulness, sensitivity, patience, dependability, delicacy. Sometimes a couple of soothing words said by her could cheer me up even in the most unlucky days. My mother’s character was the basis on which my own character is built. I thanked her for her loving help and protection, for giving me everything I needed - and even a bit more - to grow up. With gentle hands, with calming words full of wisdom, with a lot of warm and loving hugs she mended my broken toys and broken heart all over again. I thanked her also for giving me enough confidence to face the hardships of this crazy world with a smile.

I remember all those times when I wasn’t as nice as I should have been.  I remember all those times when I didn't put her feelings before my own. I know that my mother forgave me for my misbehaviour but for some reason when she passed away I remembered all the lost moments. Now, when she is no longer with me it leaves a space that no one else can fill because the bond between mother and child can never be broken.

When my mom passed away, just a little past a year ago, my whole life changed, my grades started slipping, I started skipping classes , I dropped all extra-curricular activities ( hockey, badminton). Stayed back another year in high school. I started to become depressed. I feel like there was a miss hole in my life.

She was the dearest person in my life. I want to do something to keep the warmth and memory of my mom. It is good that there are photos and video records so that I can hear her voice again and see her smooth smile.

            These days I try hard not to think about the past and focus on my future. Although my pain is still as immense as on the day of my mom's death, now I clearly see what I have to do to go on living. I mustn't stay on my own, with all my depressive thoughts. I will have to take up any activity - start joga, read books, play computer games, do sports. It is also worth using my time and energy for helping other people. Helping others will give a meaning to my life, and I will have less time to plunge into the abyss of despair.  

To stride over grief. In order to start a new life again. And no matter that it's so hard that you have no idea what to do.

To stride over grief. In order…

To meet the sunset again.

To listen to the silence of the forest and enjoy the tranquility of undisturbed sea.

To gaze at the infinite stars and think of people who are dear to you.

To stride over grief. Without forgetting the person that meant so much in your life.